The Best Gift
by RJane's Vindication
Summary: It just wasn't fair. Her family still needed her, but she had been taken away. But things aren't always what they seem, and sometimes the best gifts aren't wrapped with ribbons and bows. Slightly angsty, completely sappy bit of brotherly Christmas fluff. Why? Because it's Christmas. As always, I'd love to hear from you!


**A/N: I simply couldn't help myself. Truthfully, with all that has been going on in the world and in my life, I just needed a little bit of brotherly Christmas fluff, and this is what came about. Maybe you do too. I can't seem to stay away from angsty or sappy, so both of those emotions are included too. **

**If you enjoy this story, and have a minute to spare, I would absolutely love to hear from you. I would consider it a wonderful Christmas present!**

**Thanks, as always for reading. May you all have a wonderful and blessed Christmas!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, just the sappiness.**

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Adam Cartwright shivered slightly, pulling the collar of his coat up higher to his chin as he walked rapidly through the darkening shadows towards the house. The wind had started to blow the falling snow in circles around the yard, and he was glad he had made it home when he did. Soon it would be completely dark and it wasn't shaping up to be a fit night for anyone to be out. He smiled gratefully as he pushed open the door, thankful for the warmth of the dimly lit front room as the twilight deepened.

The house was quiet and still, waiting, it seemed, in silent anticipation of something to come. The lamps had not yet been lit in the front room, and Adam hoped that his father and younger brother Hoss would soon return from their errands in town. He shed his coat, placing it on the hook by the front door before moving across the room to the fireplace. He stirred the ashes and added another log to the fire, the room brightening as the dry wood quickly took hold.

The seventeen year old let his mind wander as he absently stood in front of the fire, basking in the warmth it produced. Unconsciously he sighed aloud as memories flashed through his mind. It had been a long, hard couple of months for his family; there had been times he had thought they would never make it through, but it finally seemed as though things were starting to get back on track.

Adam's eyes were finally adjusted to the dim room, and looking around, his gaze caught suddenly on the small evergreen tree that was propped up next to the settee; the sight causing him to swallow sharply. He felt his eyes moisten and he blinked rapidly to prevent the tears from escaping, the full realization of the significance of the next morning suddenly hitting him.

Four months ago, the idea of the morrow's events would have brought nothing but excited anticipation. Now, however, Adam couldn't repress the slight shudder at the dread he felt, the dread at the possibilities that waited for his family in the morning. Everything had changed so drastically in just four months, and he wasn't sure he could handle those possibilities. In some ways, the four months had seemed a lifetime, an eternity; in others, the pain of loss was still so fresh that it felt like it had happened only yesterday.

Christmas morning. From the time she had first come to the Ponderosa, it had always been one of the biggest events Marie would plan during the year, everything absolutely perfect, always down to her exact specifications. She had always had a certain way about her, a way that demanded she always get exactly as she wanted. It was impossible to fight her on certain points; she had always been able to wrap the men in her life around her finger with her almost childlike enthusiasm for life. Adam smiled sadly as he remembered only a year ago, the smiling happy family, the biggest worry being his little brother's cold that had kept him from going outside to play in the freshly fallen snow. Those days were a distant memory now, and oh, how he missed them.

In the four months since she'd died, Adam had come to realize a lot of things. Small, almost inconsequential things that he hadn't even noticed when he'd taken for granted that she would always be there. She'd given him so much, and he had never fully understood, until too late, how much it had meant to him. He'd never said thank you, and the sting of that failure still hurt the proud, conscientious young man.

She'd protected him, and he realized it now. Protected him from circumstances, from other people, even from himself. Marie had seen something in the stubborn, independent eleven year old son she'd unceremoniously inherited, one none to pleased with the new mother he saw as an intrusion in his life. Before she had come, he had been forced to grow up so quickly, first by traveling across the plains and then by helping to build their home into what it was now. He'd resented her, especially when she treated him like a child, and his face now colored slightly in shame as he remembered some of the terrible things he'd shouted at her in his anger. But she had always taken it in stride, never given up on him. No matter how hard Adam had tried, he just couldn't get her to stop trying to mother him. And she'd won, in the end. She had succeeded in giving him, in those awkward teenage years, a semblance of a normal childhood, doing her best to protect him as much as possible from the harsh realities of adulthood.

It had been Marie that had always encouraged him in his love of books. His father had always valued books in his own way, but had not always understood his young son's insatiable appetite for literature, especially poetry. Adam wasn't exactly sure how she had found out, but the knowledge had manifested itself that first Christmas after his little brother Joe had been born. There, next to the new jackknife and saddle from his pa, had been a thin volume of poetry, the first page inscribed with his stepmother's fine handwriting. Every birthday and Christmas after that, another volume was added to the collection. The little collection was now one of his most cherished possessions.

But Marie was gone now, he reminded himself sadly, and it seemed that all of her attempts to protect him had been for naught. When she died, Adam had been forced to give up what little had been left of his childhood innocence. At sixteen, all the responsibilities involved in running a ranch of such a large magnitude had been thrust on the young man's shoulders.

But it wasn't only operating the ranch that he'd been responsible for. His father had retreated into a frightening place, so dark and deep that Adam had initially feared for his father's sanity. Keeping himself locked away in his room, Ben Cartwright had all but deserted his young family, forcing his teenage son to become the sole caregiver for his eleven and five year old brothers. It had taken about three months for his father to finally emerge from the prison he'd kept himself locked in, and it had only been recently that he had started taking back his parental duties.

The responsibility had pushed the young man to the very limits of his endurance. While he had cherished the time taking care of his younger brothers, especially his baby brother, the relief Adam had felt at his father's willingness to resume his parental responsibilities had been enormous. Gradually, in small bits and pieces, laughter and almost a sense of normalcy had returned to the sad household. Adam was suddenly slightly bitter at the thought that it could all be threatened, and he had to blink back the tears that again threatened to spill over. It wasn't fair, it just wasn't—she should still be alive, still be with them. Her family needed her, and she was gone.

A slight noise, almost sounding like a sleepy sigh, roused Adam from his troubled thoughts. Turning from the fire, his eyes took a minute to focus in the dark room as he heard the noise again, a little louder this time, coming from behind his father's big desk. Adam quickly lit a lamp, the room suddenly exploding in light. He crossed the front room in just a few strides, pulling himself to a stop in front of the wooden desk. He leaned against it and peered down, the sight of the small figure curled up on the floor behind the desk causing a soft smile to cross his face.

The little boy appeared to be exhausted, his golden brown curls falling over his forehead every which-way, his thumb tucked in his mouth. Adam sank down to his knees next to his little brother's head and brushed his hand through the tousled hair, noting the tear stains that stood out prominently on the sleep flushed cheeks.

'Shh, shh, little buddy,' he soothed gently as the little boy began to stir, his smile widening as Joe instinctively snuggled closer, resting his head on his older brother's knee. Adam waited patiently, mesmerized as he watched his sleeping brother, until finally the little boy's eyelids fluttered and the bright emerald eyes pushed open. He smiled at the sleepy confusion that was crossing his little brother's face. 'Hi.'

Joe continued to stare silently at his older brother, and Adam frowned slightly as he pondered the reason for the tear stains that still covered the little boy's cheeks. He brushed his fingers gently across his little brother's face, cupping his brother's chin in his hand so that he could look straight into the still-sleepy eyes.

'Why are you sleeping on the floor, Joe?' The words were soft, lightly teasing. His attempt at getting his little brother to smile failed as instead the bright green eyes filled with tears. Feeling suddenly alarmed, Adam's heart dropped in his chest and he pulled the small boy into his arms, cuddling him against his chest. 'What's wrong, little buddy?'

Joe tried to choke back his sobs, unable to speak as he just shook his head, keeping his eyes averted from his older brother's face. Adam's heart suddenly racing, he hugged the boy tighter and began rubbing his back, willing the tears to stop. As he tried to calm the near hysterical boy sitting in his lap, he noticed for the first time the jumble of papers that were lying all over the floor. Ignoring the mess for the moment, he returned his attention to calming the small boy, Joe's sobs finally dwindling into an occasional hiccup.

'What is it, buddy?' Adam asked again softly, slightly dreading the answer as the sudden thought came to his mind that maybe the tears had to do with the significance of the next morning. He held his breath as he waited for the little boy to answer.

'I…I ruined it,' the little boy finally stuttered, utter dejection in his voice. He refused to look up at his older brother, instead burying his face deeper in Adam's shirt. His next words were little more than a mumble, but Adam heard them anyway. 'I always mess everythin' up!'

'What?!' Adam pushed the little boy away suddenly so he could look straight into the watery green eyes. Sadness and shock were both evident in his voice. 'What did you say?'

'I spilled the ink,' the little boy responded dully as he ignored his brother's question, his cheeks turning red as he dropped embarrassed eyes down to the floor. 'I wanted ta write the letters, but I spilled ink all over. I messed it all up.'

Adam said nothing, just nodded his head thoughtfully. He now could clearly see the splotches of dried ink that were covering the papers on the floor, as well as the stains that were covering the little boy's hands. He smiled to himself as he thought about how Joe had been trying very hard to learn to write his letters and his name, wanting to prove that he was all grown up. It had been something that Marie had been working on with him. Now it seemed, every time they turned around, the little boy was getting into the ink and busily scribbling on any piece of paper he could find. Joe's left-handedness having been a slight challenge in the beginning, he had worked tirelessly and Adam couldn't help how proud he felt at the effort his brother had been making. Joe was capable now, with help from his older brothers with the spelling, of writing out short sentences, and he could spell out his whole name with quite a flourish.

'Well,' Adam mused slowly, watching Joe carefully as the little boy visibly tensed in anticipation of what his older brother was going to say. 'I'm sure you didn't mean it. We can clean this mess up. It'll be okay.'

'No, it won't,' the sad whimper that came from the little boy tore at Adam's heart. Joe wiped his hand over his eyes and continued forlornly, his lower lip trembling, 'It was for Christmas. I messed it all up…I ruined it…I ruined Christmas.'

'Oh, Joe,' Adam sighed, pulling the little boy close again as the tears returned, the sadness in Joe's cries making his own eyes tear up. He had to find some way to comfort his little brother. Suddenly he thought of something and asked hastily, 'Did you do it on purpose?'

Joe sucked in his breath and stopped crying abruptly, lifting confused eyes to meet his brother's. A stray tear trickled down his cheek as he shook his head adamantly.

'Well, then you didn't ruin Christmas,' Adam said firmly, a sad smile crossing his face as his fingers brushed the tears from his brother's cheeks. He could think of so many things that might be ruining Christmas, but it certainly wasn't this bright eyed little boy who was starting to sleepily cuddle into his big brother's chest. Adam began to hum one of Marie's lullabies, gently starting to rock the relaxing form in his arms. His next words were barely audible. 'You could never ruin Christmas.'

Joe had nestled himself deeper into his brother's arms, consoled by his brother's declaration, drowsily letting sleep take him. Adam smiled as his little brother's eyes dropped shut, his body going completely limp as he leaned securely into his older brother. Adam bent down to kiss the wayward curls that had fallen into his little brother's eyes.

The little boy twitched suddenly at the touch. He sighed deeply in his sleep, and Adam again frowned as a single tear trickled down the little boy's cheek. Joe's soft mumble was no more than a whisper, but Adam caught the sound, recognition bringing his own tears back again.

'Mama…'

The little boy's pleading whisper broke Adam's heart. His own tears now flowing unchecked down his cheeks, he pulled his trembling little brother even tighter into his embrace, willing for some way to bring him the comfort he needed. After a few minutes, the little boy was still again, falling deeply into sleep, still tucked tightly in Adam's arms. Adam sighed gratefully in the knowledge that his little brother had relaxed, but it took several minutes before he could regain his own composure.

It was just so hard. He'd thought it might possibly be getting easier, but it wasn't. The pain they all still felt at losing her was still very real, hurting them all over again at unexpected moments. It just shouldn't be this way, it just wasn't fair. They'd suffered so much, and now what? How would any of them make it through tomorrow?

'Oh, Marie…Ma,' he whispered softly, willing his own tears away. 'What are we going to do without you?'

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'Adam, _Adam!_'

His eyes shot open at the excited shout, and he just managed to brace his body for the impact of the small child as Joe threw himself across his brother's bed. Adam grinned widely at the bubbling excitement exhibited on the five year old's face.

'Adam, Adam, wake up! It's Christmas!' Joe fairly shouted as he began pulling the blankets off of his older brother's bed in an attempt to get him up faster. Adam could only chuckle as he snatched the blankets back from his brother's hands, dropping them in a heap on the bed.

Pushing himself to his feet, he yawned loudly as he slowly crossed the room to the wash stand. Splashing a little water on his face, Adam grinned again at the rather impatient glare in his direction, courtesy of the little boy's wide emerald eyes.

'Aw, hurry up, Adam!' Joe moaned rather desperately, pushing his brother towards the bedroom door. 'There's presents and everything!'

The excitement in the little boy's flashing green eyes brought Adam a great sense of relief. He had been unsure of how his little brother was going to handle this first Christmas without his mama, but it seemed as if he was alright for the time being. He smiled as he allowed himself to be pulled down the stairs by the eager little boy, assuming his little brother was just excited to get into his presents. He was starting to feel rather excited himself, knowing with certainty that Joe was going to love the collection of toy soldiers his older brothers had purchased and the new whistle his father had carved for him.

It caught him by surprise, therefore, when Joe pulled him to a stop in front of the small evergreen tree in the front room. His father and Hoss not even downstairs yet, Adam was about to admonish his little brother to wait when Joe suddenly thrust a childishly wrapped package in his hands. It was rectangular in shape and very thin, and Adam's breath suddenly caught in his throat as memories of past Christmases came flooding back.

He could feel the trembling in his hands as he pulled off the wrapping, his eyes filling with tears at the sight of the small book that appeared. He let his fingers trace softly over the ink smudges staining the leather cover, taking his time as he tried to regain some sense of composure. He flipped through the pages backwards, noting the big black ink stain that had bled through the pages, making many of them unreadable. It was the words inscribed on the back of the front cover that caught his attention, and he couldn't stop the lone tear that trickled down his cheek as his mouth silently formed the words.

There, amidst the smudges and stains, he could just make out his brother's deliberate, careful handwriting.

_To my big brother Adam. Happy Christmas! I love you. Joseph Francis Cartwright_.

He sat staring for what seemed like ages, fingering gently the words on the page, somehow so reminiscent, if not in content but of intent, of the messages Marie had always left for him in her fine handwriting. He couldn't speak, the lump in his throat choking him. It was finally his little brother who spoke first.

'Hoss helped me with the spelling…' Joe whispered softly. 'Mama told me you liked these books…do you like it, Adam?'

Adam looked up from the book into the small face, Joe's eyes staring up at him shyly, revealing the hope and vulnerability he was feeling as he waited for his older brother's reaction to the gift. Adam could see the fear in those bright eyes: the fear of rejection, the fear of disappointment and he knew he had to say something; but he still couldn't speak. All he could do was stand there staring at the little boy in front of him, too stunned to even move.

He waited too long to say anything. Joe took his brother's silence to mean his older brother was unhappy with the gift, and the little boy began to turn away, hurt and rejection starting to cloud his bright green eyes. The mournfulness of Joe's eyes jerked Adam into action and stumbling forward he fell to his knees, grabbing his little brother into a fierce hug as he let out a broken sob.

'Oh, Joe,' he whispered softly, finally finding his voice. His eyes met watery green ones, Joe's tears beginning to fall unheeded down his cheeks as he responded to his older brother's emotion. Adam smiled and pulled his brother close again. The depth of the emotions he suddenly felt for the little boy in his arms almost frightened him, and his voice caught on his next words. 'It's almost the best present anyone has ever given me.'

'Almost the best?' The little boy looked up at him, his bright eyes wide with the question.

Adam couldn't stop his small chuckle at the confused look on his little brother's face. Somehow, in a way he couldn't explain, it was as if Marie was right there in the room, telling him that everything was going to be alright. He realized it now. His family was going to be okay. Marie might have gone, but she was still taking care of them, still protecting her family. He wasn't sure how he'd missed it, but he was now suddenly very aware of the great gift she'd left him. His voice was warm as he answered Joe's question, pulling the little boy into another tight hug.

'Yeah. You see, it was Mama who gave me the best gift in the whole world. She gave me you as a little brother. I love you, little buddy.'


End file.
